Movie Review: Jurassic World - Spoilers

So I am going to try not to be too spoilery, but the full review is after the jump.

 

 

 

 

 

In terms of dinosaur chomping fun, the movie is a 4.  In terms of everything else, it's a 1.

 

Quite honestly, the only actor who seemed to know what type of movie he was in was Vincent D'Onfioro because he gave it a B movie best.

 

Okay, the special effects aren't B movie.  

 

And if you like Chris Pratt (and who doesn't) he's in the movie a lot.  (So you should like it Grim)

 

But damn, you just realize how much better the first one was.

 

So in brief, there is a dinosaur theme park, makes a lot of money, two brothers (hence Creepy Future Stalker and Smart One aka Please Let THEM GET EAT) who are nephews of the head honcho, homicidal dinosaur gets lose (because don't they always), and Chris Pratt and his raptors have to save the day.

 

But at least the black guy didn't die first.  The first one to die was an Hispanic.  The one black guy with any lines makes it to the end of the movie.  He really doesn't do anything heroic, but hey, he lives.

 

The story starts off slow.  There is a hint of a romance because Chris Pratt, hence forth known as Raptor Dude and Bryce Dallas Howard, henceforth known as Dirty Lady, had one date that didn't work out well because she is too controlling and he showed up in board shorts.

 

But it's really because she's too controlling.

 

Anyway, outside of that stupid romance that no one buys, the two brothers are sent away so their parents can get a divorce without the brothers knowing.  How this entitles their mother to lecture Dirty Lady about being an good aunt, I have no idea.  I mean, Dirty Lady runs a theme park the size of Disney World, surely it's understood that she is going to work some.  Perhaps you shouldn't have dumped your children on her when she has a business meeting.  Just saying.  One brother knows everything (Smart One) , the other one keeps sending messages to his girlfriend when he isn't staring at all the girls (Creepy Future Stalker).  

 

Meanwhile, Raptor Dude trains raptors with pigs and a clicker, though he isn't using the clicker correctly.  He also saves a dude who may die later in the movie, it's unclear.

 

Eventually, killer dino that isn't really a dino (hence Dino that Should Not Have Been Made) gets out because people are stupid and made a super smart killing machine.

 

And since this movie borrows from The Deep Blue Sea, you know they saw what happened when you make sharks smarter, you think they would have learned.

 

(And so you end up rooting for the dinosaurs because unlike the first Jurassic Park movie, most people in this one are dumb.)

 

The only ones who aren't stupid are Raptor Dude and Black Guy Who Lives But Whose Name You Aren't Told.  And the BGWLBWNYT is basically there as a second moral compass in case Raptor Dude's face distracts you.

 

(And the first team that is sent to re-capture Dino That Should Not Have Been Made is mostly minorities.  What happens to them is so not pretty).

 

Anyway, because Creepy Future Stalker is also dumb (it's not his fault, I'm sure its genetics), Raptor Dude and Dirty Lady have to go find PLEASE LET THEM GET EATEN while everyone else at the park is dying.  Then it becomes who will get out alive.  But, as in many movies of this type, everyone that is going to die has big red DIE over their head.

 

In terms of Dino that Should Not Have Been Made and other dinosaurs, it's good.  Raptor Dude and his raptors are fun.  But the problem is, and maybe it's just me.  In fact, it is just me.  There were two brats behind  me the whole movie.  

 

I wanted the Dino that Should Not Have Been Made to eat everyone.

 

Because, and there is no nice way to say this, the movie is sexist.

 

And it's not just the heels.

 

But let's deal with the heels first.  Dirty Lady spends the whole movies supposedly running though the jungle in heels that are not, quite frankly, pumps.  I say supposedly because some scenes they don't show you her feet and in a few, it doesn't look she was wearing them.  

 

And that's stupid, because honestly when she is really wearing them even Smart One outruns her.  And making little sly jokes, like she doesn't need Pratt's hand, doesn't cut it when there were pretty of times she could have changed out of her heels.

 

But the heels are the least of it.

 

This was my movie going experience.  As I went to the theatre in which the movie was showing, I walked by several posters, all of which had men as the heroes in upcoming movies.  Now true, one of the posters was for the Magic Mike movie and the other was for the new Fantastic Four movie, so there was one girl (and since she doesn't look 18, I can use girl).  Then I sit though way too many previews.  All of which, with one exception, feature men or little penises (Minons) doing things while women either worry about the men or die because the man was stupid.  The exception was the Last Hunger Games trailer.  

 

Then I watch a movie while the female head of the theme park is lectured to by every blasted man in the movie.  Her boss lectures her, Raptor Dude lectures her, No Name Tech Guy lectures her.   Evil Asshole lectures her. The only ones who actually treats her like a boss are the two other women in the movie.  But guess what, these women are stupid and useless.

 

And then her sister, who sent Creepy Future Stalker and Smart One to Dirty Lady, lectures her and tells her she understand when she has kids.  But right now Dirty Lady isn't emotional enough. She's a cold one (so why did Raptor Dude date her?)

 

(And honestly, why does the mother send them anyway?  They haven't interacted with their aunt in 7 years.  WTF?)

 

Then we have the whole Dino that Should Have Been Named escape and Dirty Lady goes crying to Raptor Dude to find her nephews.  Because, you know, she can't do anything.  As they trek though the forest, Dirty Lady gets in touch with her inner dinosaur lover and collects dirt while her clothing get ripped.  She also agrees to follow Raptor Dude's orders in the jungle, but apparently that means for the rest of the movie.

 

Why she didn't go wash off the dirt when she stopped to have her hair redone, I don't know.  (And no it's not the humidity.  Her hair is not frizzly, it's been given waves).

 

Because Raptor Dude must have washed off his dirt because he doesn't get dirty or even really sweaty.

 

By the time Dirty Lady's rip in her skirt is up to her crotch, they have found Creepy Future Stalker and Smart One.  But the Winged Dinosaurs are loose, and finally Dirty Lady does something and gets rewarded with a kiss from Raptor Dude.

 

Seriously?

 

But her nephews are more impressed with Raptor Dude and congratulate her on her taste in men.

 

Then Dirty Lady sits with the kids while the MEN rush about trying to capture Dino That Should Not Have Been Made.   Then Dirty Lady, Raptor Dude, Creepy Future Stalker, and Smart One are stalked by the Dino That Should Have Not Been Made.  Raptor Dude does battle with said dino with his gun (so why isn't he bringing up the rear when they are being chased by dinos?  Because he's not wearing heels).  Dirty Lady realizes what must be done because of something Smart One (a boy) says and is only able to do it because No Name Tech Guy helps her.

 

The other two women - one, Dirty Lady's PA, is punished because she didn't watch the kids (though why a 16 yr old needs a babysitter in a self contained theme park I don't know) and the second does really nothing but cry and refuse to kiss Tech Dude.

 

At the end, Dirty Lady sits with Creepy Future Stalker and Smart One while Raptor Dude is busy reuniting families.  When Dirty Lady's sister shows up, Dirty Lady follows Raptor Dude into the sunset.

 

I think they are going to screw, but I could be wrong.

 

The theme of the movie is quite clear because it is one of those "theme" scenes where Creepy Future Stalker tells Smart One that brothers always come back to each other.  Brothers.

 

And that's the point, the brothers in the movie stick together.  Raptor Dude saves BGWLBWNYT, Creepy Stalker Dude and Smart Guy save each other, even Evil Asshole has a brotherhood.

 

Girls are there to run around in heels, realize they have ovaries, and get eaten.

 

In the first Jurassic Park, there was Ellie who kicked ass, and who even saved everyone at the end of the third Jurassic Park.  In the second, you had a girl and Julianne Moore.  In the third, Tea Leoni did a damn fine job.  Here, nothing really.

 

Would it really hurt to have made one of the children a girl?  To not have everyone lecture Dirty Lady?  To make it No Name Tech Girl at the  end help Dirty Lady?

 

Apparently.