I am running for President. I swear I will not go on campaign tours, take up valuable (valuless) ad time, or appear on any debate. Hell, I won't even be on the ballot. My running mate is Lawrence Lehmann (I haven't asked him, but I'm sure he's on board). We plan on switching the President and Vice-President roles every week to confuse Congress and the news media. Our First Man will be Luke Evans (we haven't asked him, but we'll sure he will be on board. I was thinking of asking Idris Elba, but his girlfriend is with child and let's not mess that up). Betty White will be my choice for Sec. of State. Tom Hiddleston (yes, I know he's not American, so?) will be head the Department of Homeland Security. James Earl Jones is my press talking head. Sec. of Defense will be Bruce Willis, Tea Leoni, and Lucy Lawless. Sec. of Education will be Cherie Edwards, Bill Nye, and PBS. Sec of Health will be changed to Sec. of Food and be Gordon Ramsey, Rachel Ray, and the host from Chopped.
My policies are:
1. May 4th will be National Star Wars Day and/or National 4th Doctor day. People can chose. Gene Roddenberry's birthday will be Star Trek Day.
2. Michael Bay will not be allowed to direct any more Transformer movies. (Or any movie actually).
3. J. K. Rowling will be given a grant to re-write the Harry Potter with Hermoine as the lead.
4. In order to graduate high school, students must do the following, (1) read a book of at least 300 pages on their own and write a paper showing that they understand said book (2) know comma rules (3) know what double space means (4) and never use the phrase "in today's society".
5. Vigara and other male enhancement pills will not be covered under any health care plan unless (1) female contraception and feminine hygiene products are or (2) all men must pay a tax to support fatherless children. Men may avoid this by showing that they all either sterile, gay (and have never slept with a woman), or a virgin. This must be verified each year.
6. Dedicated funding to Planned Parenthood.
7. Dedicated funding to Libraries. Donate to a library and take off double the amount as a deduction. Join a library and borrow 10 books in a year, and you can take off a $70 deduction.
8. Vet bills will be deductible as will any book purchases.
9. Chocolate and coffee will be considered legitimate medical deductions.
10. No Christmas music in heavy rotation until after Thanksgiving. Anywhere.
11. Every week will have at least two hours dedicated to National Reading Time.
12. The front lawn of the White House will become a dog and cat park.
13. Instead of the National Prayer Breakfast, it will be the National Prayer or No Prayer Breakfast.
14. The correspondents dinner will no longer take place. Instead it will be a celebration of authors.
15. Justin Bieber will be denied entry to the country.
16. National Hug an Otter day.
17. No books will be banned. Guns will (or at least tightly controlled).
18. The news will actually have to report news and not yammer at you.
19. Vampires will be not allowed to sparkle.
20. 50 Shades of Grey will be edited.
21. Coates' Between the World and Me will be required reading.
22. Elba will be the new James Bond.
Any other suggestions? (BTW, I will add and edit, whenever)